Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Fathers..Where Do I Even Start

I don't know if anyone is reading this or if my comments aren't working so if you stop by leave a comment even if its just a hello thanks..But on with the post shall we...


Before I even go into detail about me and my fathers relationship I want to share with you an email he sent me this week "Hi there Well,it has been quite a while since i have heard from you.I hope that everything is alright.I realize that you have a life of your own.But a few lines to let me know that you are doing alright,i don't think is asking to much. So if you can find the time to drop a line or two, I would feel a lot better.But if for some reason you wish not to, then I guess there isn't much I can do about that. I love you and hope to hear from you soon love Dad"
Ok the last time I emailed my father was before New Years and of course I didn't get a response and he has my home address to but last week he send me a card out of the blue he does this crap all the time I email him and he doesn't respond and a few months later he pops up and emails me like I am such a bad person for not constantly emailing him well why email when I never get a response back..So that brings us to current day relationship with my dad he still lives back in Mass...
I am going to explain our relationship this is going to be a long post so I may have to divide this up for you guys I wrote this before so I am going to just copy it here enjoy I lost my dad so long ago I cant even remember ....Just to fill everyone in my dad isn't dead I know where he is and he knows where I am and yet we have nothing all we have in common is or last name and the fact that people say I look like him something I have to face every morning when I look in the mirror so no matter what he is always here.....Now let me start off by saying I do love my dad we had some good times and its partially because of him that I am here on this earth but I also hate him for some of the things he has done to me and no this isn't going to be any of that woe is me pity party bullshit.....This is going to be a long whirlwind story so get comfy I’m going to be jumping around so try and keep up....My mom and dad dated and broke up and he met someone and had a kid and the decided to give him up for adoption, my mom met and married my brother and sisters dad and they eventually divorced.....My dad had to boys with another lady and then him and my mom found one another again.....He kept talking about wanting a baby girl cause all he ever had was boys....So lone behold on August 4th 1979 I graced the world with my presence LOL.......I guess from what I know for other when I was a baby things were great and peachy as I got older things changed......My mom found out my dad was cheating and told him he needed to choose and he chose the women who could give him material things like money and cars over a women who loved him and a child who loved him more then he would ever know........But my mom made it clear that she would never keep him from seeing me no she didn't have to his new girlfriend would eventually take care of that....When I first met her I didn't like her cause she tried to be my mom and she wasn't so that killed any chance we had of being friends right there.......As time went on and I got older we saw each other less I would go by their place and see him just to sit there and stare at him while he rolled a joint or did whatever like I wasn't there he occasionally talked to me but hell I kept going cause I wanted my father back......So as time went by here came the numerous broken promises and the days of sitting in my front porch in the middle of winter in Massachusetts while its snowing waiting for him to come get me and he never shows no call no excuse no nothing.....All the lies and the hurt I always kept it to myself I never let on I never cried I just held it all in I knew eventually I would blow just didn't know when.......Whenever he would come over his girlfriend would make him bring her grandson she was afraid him and my mom would get together.......
So fast forward a lil to a night full of surprises my dad comes over alone (wonder how he managed that) so he comes over and takes my mom in the bathroom then he comes out kisses me tells me he loves me then leaves....So here comes my mom to tell me "your father is getting married" he didn't even have enough fucking balls to tell me himself WTF !!!!!!......So of course I acted like it didn't matter so he calls a few days later and asks me if I want to come and if I do he will pick me up well I say yes and of course guess what no one ever shows......So I go in the house and my mom was like are you ok and I was like yea no big deal but of course it was I should have known he was lying but I was hoping maybe for once he maybe gave a damn....Well later that night as I lay in bed with my radio one that was the first night I cried over my father.......The angry I had towards him just got worse from there but I still wanted my father back.....Well things on his home front weren't so good my dad has always been a heavy drinker but it escalated a lot after he got married.....I'm sure when he passes it will have something to do with drinking......I drink sometimes but I know my limit I don't do it to escape or anything I know I'm not a drunk I can go months without it and be fine....My dad cant do that he told me he stop but the last time I heard from him he sounded drunk.......But my anger boiled over and it blew one night he came to see me and I just wanted him to leave me alone and he wouldn't go away so I stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs crying my eyes out in front of him and my mom for him to leave me alone I never screamed that loud in my life LOL........I had so much hatred and angry for him it hurt so my mom made him leave and we talked and of course she asked what was wrong and I lied and said a lil of things like school and dad at the time finals where going on in school....So I lied cause I didn't want her worrying about me....
Well that is enough for tonight I will post more tomorrow night...Have a good night

3 comments:

Amy said...

comments are a sticky wicket. in my experience i get about 1 comment for every hundred visitors. don't let it keep you from writing, remember that you do it for you and no one else.

Random Magus said...

I know how nice it is when someone leaves a camment. Blogging is like layong out your sul in front of strangers and we want some validation that yes we did reach out touch another...so I get that.
But hope the anger inside works itself out - you need to vent. It'll be cathartic.
Best of luck

Laura said...

Sorry to read about your trouble with your Dad. I would say to leave him behind and move on with your own life but I don't think it's that simple or easy.

My own Dad didn't leave but he was never there in spirit. My sister married an American guy (we are Canadian) but he became abusive before her son was born. We got her to come away from him and see things as they were. She couldn't see it while she was living with him. My nephew was born before she left. So he at least met his son. Now that boy is 11 and has never talked to his Dad, never seen him. (Being an infant he doesn't remember seeing him before). He is a very angry boy and yet really sweet too. No one really knows what to do and for us it is kind of in the past as we don't miss her husband and are glad not to have to deal with him. But it's a different story for his son. He seems to think about it a lot more than we think.