Sunday, April 29, 2007

I LOVE my Dr. But HATE the OFFICE & Misc Catch -Up

My Dr's office has this new policy well its not new it has been in affect for awhile but I hate it..To make an appt you have to call that week, a week ahead or the same day. Now this pisses me off I like to make my appts earlier in advance so I know I have an appt. I called last Mon(23rd) to make an appt for Fri(27th) now the office opens at 8 and I called about 8:45 but the receptionist said she was all booked for Fri ok now someone tell me how is it in 45 min this women is all booked for Fri..So I am going to get up tomorrow and call there at 8 and if they say she is booked up again I am going to go ballistic..Also while we are on this topic someone explain to me. They said you can make an appt a week in advance how is it when I call on a Fri to make an appt for the following Fri they tell me to call back on Mon but when I call on Mon I can make an appt for next Mon. Good grief people its the same number of days come on now...So we will see what happens when I call there tomorrow if you see on the national news about a women getting arrested for going off on a receptionist at a Dr's office you know its me lol... Also to update you on other events....

The skin is finally growing back on my shin/leg area its half covered and getting smaller so hopefully by the end of next month I can stop buying all this gauze, toppers, non-stick pads and kling rolls I swear in the past 3 months I been keeping Johnson & Johnson in business having to buy all this stuff..Also an update on my uncle they took out his breathing tube a week ago I do believe and then they put it back in and as of Fri the took it out and decided to out in a treack (you know when they put the tube in your neck)..He has also had 2 more blood transfusions and is still on Dialysis..He has 2 cultures done a 24 hr one and 3 day one the 24 one came back ok but I guess the 3 day one came back with something on it...I can't remember if I posted this on the last update if so sorry for repeating. When they did the scope they said the front and back of his pancreas is dead but the middle is still ok I have no freaking idea what that means...They are suppose to be doing a biopsy on his pancreas...He astill has an infection and they have no idea where it is coming from and he is on a ton of antibiotics and they don't seem to be working so that is all I know for now I will post more when I know more enjoy your sunday....

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Fathers Part 2

Let me move on from my dad for a minute and talk about my mom.....My mom has been my mom and my dad she has always been there for me when I needed her and even when I didn't think I did....I know there were times she wanted to beat me senseless but she didn't....I knew there were times she wanted to say I told you so but she didn't even after all the dumb things I have done in my life she has always been there to have my back.....A few years ago while she was at work she had a heart attack a friend of hers came into my job and told my boss and he came and got me and all she said was your mom is in the hospital then she told me they think she had a heart attack as I’m walking out to the car I swear I felt like someone hit me and knock the wind outta me my first thought was "I cant lose her" at that time we were living in Vegas...If I had lost her I don't know what I would have done....I spent many a nights crying in bed wondering if she was going to be ok and thank goodness she was I realized something at that time no matter how old you are you always need your momma for something......So back to my dad I remember the day it hit me that I lost my dad for sure and at that time I really didn't care ......It was a hot July afternoon in Massachusetts......

The ceremony begins its my turn they call my name I go up on stage I look out and see my mom, sister, nephew, uncle, aunt and cousin but no where do I see my father and as I'm walking off down the stairs Im thinking well maybe he is up in the balcony so after this we are all outside I call my dad to see where he is and I call the cell phone and I'm like where are you he is like home I'm like have you been there are day he was like yes why and I hand up the phone and I'm thinking to myself on what should be one of the happiest days of my life.....He missed my fucking High School Graduation that was the day I finally went from feeling like the baby girl he always wanted to the person he didn't give a damn about......So I went out that night and partied like it didn't matter and when I got home as usual I went to bed and cried for a man I loved but for some reason I thought couldn't love me back.....A few years later while talking to a friend I realized something the first man to tell me he loved me, to lie to me, to break my heart and to abandon me were in fact all the same person My Father.....How about that for irony......Well he called me back the next day and asked why I hung up on him and I said you really haven't figured it out huh and of course he was like no and I'm like you missed my damn graduation and of cause he had no excuse no reason no nothing and if he had of I didn't really want to hear it any way’s.......

I left Mass and moved to Vegas in March of 2000 and my mom in August of 2000 I didn't tell my dad I was moving I figured why should it surprise me when my mom called and said your dad sent u a card and some money yea damn near pissed my pants on that one.....So eventually I told him I left Mass and he was like well I wish you had come say good bye and I'm like why what difference would it have made NONE !!!!!!......While in Vegas I met Mike my boyfriend online and we have been together 4 yrs I came out here to visit last March 2004 and haven’t left since LOL......Well I do believe that Mike is the man I am going to marry and may have kids with so I decide to write my dad a letter since its been so long and I figured I'm older now and we are both adults maybe we can move past the past and let it go yea things could have been done different but its the past lets let it lay well that's what I wanted to do but I guess he didn't.....He was wondering why I hadn't sent him a Father's Day card or anything.......He never said a word about the fact that I was in love ad happy he ever said I'm happy for you or anything the last time I heard from him he called to wish me a Happy New Year......I knew it was him but I didn't want to answer plus he was drunk so it wouldn't have been a good conversation....Maybe one day soon I'll write him again who knows maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment but I think I'll take a break from him. There is more on this topic but we will revisit it later on to different topics

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Fathers..Where Do I Even Start

I don't know if anyone is reading this or if my comments aren't working so if you stop by leave a comment even if its just a hello thanks..But on with the post shall we...

Before I even go into detail about me and my fathers relationship I want to share with you an email he sent me this week "Hi there Well,it has been quite a while since i have heard from you.I hope that everything is alright.I realize that you have a life of your own.But a few lines to let me know that you are doing alright,i don't think is asking to much. So if you can find the time to drop a line or two, I would feel a lot better.But if for some reason you wish not to, then I guess there isn't much I can do about that. I love you and hope to hear from you soon love Dad"
Ok the last time I emailed my father was before New Years and of course I didn't get a response and he has my home address to but last week he send me a card out of the blue he does this crap all the time I email him and he doesn't respond and a few months later he pops up and emails me like I am such a bad person for not constantly emailing him well why email when I never get a response back..So that brings us to current day relationship with my dad he still lives back in Mass...
I am going to explain our relationship this is going to be a long post so I may have to divide this up for you guys I wrote this before so I am going to just copy it here enjoy I lost my dad so long ago I cant even remember ....Just to fill everyone in my dad isn't dead I know where he is and he knows where I am and yet we have nothing all we have in common is or last name and the fact that people say I look like him something I have to face every morning when I look in the mirror so no matter what he is always here.....Now let me start off by saying I do love my dad we had some good times and its partially because of him that I am here on this earth but I also hate him for some of the things he has done to me and no this isn't going to be any of that woe is me pity party bullshit.....This is going to be a long whirlwind story so get comfy I’m going to be jumping around so try and keep up....My mom and dad dated and broke up and he met someone and had a kid and the decided to give him up for adoption, my mom met and married my brother and sisters dad and they eventually divorced.....My dad had to boys with another lady and then him and my mom found one another again.....He kept talking about wanting a baby girl cause all he ever had was boys....So lone behold on August 4th 1979 I graced the world with my presence LOL.......I guess from what I know for other when I was a baby things were great and peachy as I got older things changed......My mom found out my dad was cheating and told him he needed to choose and he chose the women who could give him material things like money and cars over a women who loved him and a child who loved him more then he would ever know........But my mom made it clear that she would never keep him from seeing me no she didn't have to his new girlfriend would eventually take care of that....When I first met her I didn't like her cause she tried to be my mom and she wasn't so that killed any chance we had of being friends right there.......As time went on and I got older we saw each other less I would go by their place and see him just to sit there and stare at him while he rolled a joint or did whatever like I wasn't there he occasionally talked to me but hell I kept going cause I wanted my father back......So as time went by here came the numerous broken promises and the days of sitting in my front porch in the middle of winter in Massachusetts while its snowing waiting for him to come get me and he never shows no call no excuse no nothing.....All the lies and the hurt I always kept it to myself I never let on I never cried I just held it all in I knew eventually I would blow just didn't know when.......Whenever he would come over his girlfriend would make him bring her grandson she was afraid him and my mom would get together.......
So fast forward a lil to a night full of surprises my dad comes over alone (wonder how he managed that) so he comes over and takes my mom in the bathroom then he comes out kisses me tells me he loves me then leaves....So here comes my mom to tell me "your father is getting married" he didn't even have enough fucking balls to tell me himself WTF !!!!!!......So of course I acted like it didn't matter so he calls a few days later and asks me if I want to come and if I do he will pick me up well I say yes and of course guess what no one ever shows......So I go in the house and my mom was like are you ok and I was like yea no big deal but of course it was I should have known he was lying but I was hoping maybe for once he maybe gave a damn....Well later that night as I lay in bed with my radio one that was the first night I cried over my father.......The angry I had towards him just got worse from there but I still wanted my father back.....Well things on his home front weren't so good my dad has always been a heavy drinker but it escalated a lot after he got married.....I'm sure when he passes it will have something to do with drinking......I drink sometimes but I know my limit I don't do it to escape or anything I know I'm not a drunk I can go months without it and be fine....My dad cant do that he told me he stop but the last time I heard from him he sounded drunk.......But my anger boiled over and it blew one night he came to see me and I just wanted him to leave me alone and he wouldn't go away so I stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs crying my eyes out in front of him and my mom for him to leave me alone I never screamed that loud in my life LOL........I had so much hatred and angry for him it hurt so my mom made him leave and we talked and of course she asked what was wrong and I lied and said a lil of things like school and dad at the time finals where going on in school....So I lied cause I didn't want her worrying about me....
Well that is enough for tonight I will post more tomorrow night...Have a good night

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Truth or Lies....Why Lie ???

I am sure everyone has heard the old saying Never Assume because when you assume you make a ass out of you and me...Well I must say I honestly wished I had listened to that one for sure...I am not going to go into full detail here I just need to vent and get this off my chest and get over it....Recently I had a conversation with a friend(well someone I thought was a friend) but nonetheless we had a long conversation about life and different topics in general and for some reason at some point in this conversation I felt myself being happy that I have met this person and that we are friends well I assumed we were becoming friends I guess you could say...But I assumed I could believe the things this person was telling me because why would they have a reason to lie ??? Well for whatever their reason was maybe they were talking just to hear themselves talk but so I assumed and now well i've made an ass out of myself for assuming this person was worth the time & effort...Maybe this just one instance where there is a reason for lying I don't know but I have to say it hurts that they felt a need to lie and they didn't have to...Maybe I need to go through life not trusting people and see where that gets me heck if I even know right now for some reason this is really bothering me and I honestly just wish it would go away....I don't want to look at everyone who tells me something and think hmmm I wonder if he or she is telling the truth...If anyone has any ideas for me I would greatly appreciate it any help would be nice....

Monday, April 09, 2007

Uncle Update 1

If you haven't already read the previous post called "Playing The Waiting Game" you may want to read it so you are up to speed and aren't totally lost around here I am lost enough lol.....

Well I talked to my mom and the results of the scan show some of his pancreas is dead...The surgeon doesn't really want to have to do surgery because its a bad surgery he says...But he also says the pancreas is an organ so even with some of it dead it can still work...They had to give permission to put the shunt back in for dialysis since its in his groin they can't leave it in there permanently..It was on the left side and now its on the right..Everyone was wondering why he was back on dialysis cause a nurse said his kidneys were working again well come to find out from the Dr. no they aren't I honestly wish everyone would get on the same damn page here and make up their minds or make sure they know what they are talking about before they tell people stuff...

So the next question we are all waiting for an answer to is why if he is on Dialysis is he getting blood transfusions where is the blood going ??? He still has a high temperature but its coming down and he is still doped up on meds but he can hear what you are saying and can move his head a little for a yes or no when you ask him something....I know he is going to be in the hospital for awhile but I really wish things would start looking up it already sucks that he will have to spend his birthday in the hospital next month...I will update more as I get information thanks to everyone for their kind words,thoughts & prayers....

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Playing The Waiting Game

I should have blogged about this when it first started but I honestly thought it wasn't going to be anything serious but I was wrong so after keeping all this in for the past 3 weeks I need to let it out, vent, cry whatever....I guess I am still processing it all for the most part to be honest...

Three weeks ago my mom called me and told me my Uncle was in the hospital he was complaining of back pain and a really bad stomach ache now this man has a high pain tolerance so for him to want to go to the ER he has to be in some bad pain...So after he was admitted my aunt and my mom were sitting in the waiting room when the Dr came out and told them they think his pancreas was inflamed & that he was a very sick man...So as the days and weeks progress he has a feeding tube and a breathing tube inserted & he is doped up on sedative and morphine...So his kidneys start to fail and they start him on dialysis

Well one day he tried to pull out his tubes and they have to use restraints on his arms to keep him from doing that..They were going to remove the breathing tube but for some reason decided against it well come to find out today he has an infection in his blood and had to have a blood transfusion...They did a cat scan on his pancreas and they couldn't see so they were going to use a cam to see what was going on to see if some of his pancreas is dead or not function and then take it from there...So that has been the last 3 weeks in a nutshell & of course I am about 3000 miles away so I can't be there to go see him..Its not like I could do much if I was there but I would like to see him..So I am going to end this post for now before I start balling my eyes out

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Things About Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle

This was sent to me so I figured I would pass it along

1. Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally

2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.

7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.

10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.